Sometimes I hate that question. Particularly when I'm not doing well and I need to think of a satisfactory answer that isn't completely lying but seems okay enough to not spark a follow up question. 

I don't think I'm an overly emotional person (although some people might choose to disagree with this!) but when I get emotional, I can't control it and I definitely can't stop it. 

Crying (not tears of joy) is one of the things I hate doing the most in front of people.
When someone is crying, it's so much more difficult to understand what they're trying to say in between all the sniffles. Also it makes someone's face/eyes get really puffy and red, not to mention the snot and eye water that often smudges make up. But most of all, crying shows huge weakness - vulnerabiliby, helplessness, exposure.

I cried twice today in front of groups of people. Why? I'm tired physically and spiritually. I'm frustrated because of unmet personal expectations. Overall feeling overwhelmed and anxious with upcoming transitions and current struggles. I feel overestimated by people around me, thinking that I can do things that I know I can't. 

So what now? 

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

Thank God that my life does not depend on me or "how I'm doing". 

Every morning I wake up to a battle constantly
Waging in my mind to see who will be the master over me
Some days I fear I beat the air and wear myself out purpouselessly
Trying to fight against the storm that's growing everywhere I see

Father forgive me for I think I know
But I fail to see Your design for greater glory
Help me now surrender to Your plan for me
You know what's best, Lord have Your way in me

And as I'm fighting every moment to keep my eyes only on You
I fail again to remember how my life was made anew
So now I pause to think again, how You purchased me with Your blood
Dying on my cross for all my sin, You stretched Your hand to man

And if it means I need to wait in the storm
As the waters rise around and thunder's closing in
Sinking here is the safest place to be
Cause I believe that You are here with me 

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Loving Others and God In Christ

There are a few characteristics of this LIFE group that made it extremely special for me:

God-Centered Community OUTSIDE of LG meetings: There were 11 people at our first LG meeting and 23 people at our last LG. I know that it's not all about the numbers, but numbers are one way to tangibly see God multiplying his community. Throughout the year there were different people tho came in and out of LG - way too many for me to personally follow up with. I am thankful because I didn't have to; there was a core group of committed brothers and sisters who took it upon themselves to meet up outside of the LG through LCG or informal meals. 

Greatest Command: Almost every week we were focused explicitly on our covenant of loving God and loving people. Matthew 22:37-40 says that this is the greatest and second greatest commandments. The purpose for our LG was not just to hang out and have fun together but to pursue and obey God's commands.

Gospel Driven: There have been a lot of newcomers and a handful of pre-Christians who were committed to this LG. They were unafraid to ask questions and speak up, voicing their opinions regarding difficult truths to accept from God's Word. We had honest and deep discussions thorughout the year, collectively growing a hunger for the bible and for truth. 
Toward the end of the LG we were challenged to share the gospel with at least 1 pre-Christian; this wasn't just something we talked about but as we prayed for opportunities, God opened up doors. The week after we prayed about this in LG, a pre-Christian came and one of the LG members shared the gospel with her during the refreshments time!

All in all it was a great year - learning more about myself, my inadequacies, my expectations, my weaknesses, my pride, my selfishness/self-centeredness(!) AND seeing God work in spite of all that. It's amazing and a great privilege. I don't know how else I'd want to live my life.

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Last weekend my LIFE group went to JKT to the textile museum and made batik together! It was a really fun outing and a great way to spend some time together before having our last LIFE group gathering. 

Some things that I took away from making batik:

1. Mistakes happen - keep going. Have you ever tried to make batik before? It's annoyingly hard. The wax either drips too fast or too slow, there is no "wax-eraser", and you sweat - a lot (you sit around a fire that keeps the wax in a liquid state). When starting my batik I realized very quickly that my original plan would have to change. The pencil lines I drew were way too thin and I had already dripped a good handful of spots on my cloth. Me being the perfectionist that I am wanted to start over; not an option.
All in all I think my batik turned out okay! The spots aren't too visible unless you look very carefully and seem insignificant compared the the overall design. 

2. It's a process. I don't remember the exact number of steps, but batik takes a really long time!

- trace a design using a pencil
- cover the trace w/ wax on the front and back sides of the cloth
- put another type of wax around the boarder  
- dye the cloth
- boil the cloth
- wash the cloth
- dry the cloth 

And what for? All for a small square of poorly made batik. But I still think it was worth it :). 

3. Why do bulae's cost so much more than nationals? The cost for a non-Indonesian is more than double the price! 

Anyway, going to experience making batik is TOTALLY RECOMMENDED! It was a fun group activity. If you go please ask the Ibu who works there about a place to order food. I had the best rendang :)!

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No. I don't want to.

There are certain things about myself that I can't stand and over this past Easter weekend I came face to face with one. I am thankful and humbled to be made aware of issues in my heart, but it's still hard to fully accept and then hard to know how to handle it. Part of me is really frustrated because this is something that has been ongoing for the past few years.
I just want to be fixed! I also want to run away. Ignoring the heart issue is also up there in terms of options that sound good but are really not the answer. 

So how?

This morning at Sunday Celebration God reminded me through closing worship: my calling. A few months ago (or I don't know how long) I posted about the song "Send Me Out" and how the lyrics resonated with what I want to do with this life. So during closing worship, we sang this song and as I was playing the violin everything clicked. This might sound like whatever but I really think I was created (in part) to play the violin. I'm not trying to say that I'm the best violinist because I'm definitely not but when I play, I feel that God is pleased with me.
There are a few other things where I experience a similar feeling of freedom and worship. This must be my focus so that Jesus can become greater and everything else will become less. 

So I can accept it. I will accept it. This is my cup. I will try to accept and allow this to refine my worship to my King. 

^{Psalm 33 
20} Our soul waits for the LORD; 
He is our help and our shield. 
²¹ For our heart rejoices in Him, 
Because we trust in His holy name. 
²² Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us, 
According as we have hoped in You.

This past weekend my parents visited Jakarta - it was really great! We were able to see a lot of different places, eat at awesome restaurants, and learn more about the Indonesian culture. My prayer for this weekend was that my parents would see my life here in Jakarta and understand more of why I decided to live here. 

I am thankful for friends at HMCC who shared with them about ways that God has been transforming their lives, thankful for time to spend with my parents, thankful for time to talk with them about how they are doing and things that are going on in the States, thankful that they were able to come for an extended weekend, thankful that I am their daughter. 

This was the first time that I've hosted my parents - even in college my mom knew the area very well since she went to UofM and we would always spend time with our relatives who live 30 minutes from Ann Arbor. I definitely did not enjoy being the host and playing this reverse role of taking my parents around, but I loved spending time with them and showing them my life in Indonesia. 

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Reminded of this song when reading today's BRP:

Noel Richards: All Heaven Declares 

All heaven declares the glory of the risen Lord 
Who can compare with the beauty of the Lord? 

Forever He will be (Forever He will be) 
The Lamb apon the throne (The Lamb apon the throne) 
I gladly bow the knee (I gladly bow the knee) 
And worship Him alone 

I will proclaim the glory of the risen Lord 
Who once was slain to reconcile man to God 

This past Easter Weekend was one of those times when ministry was fun. Whether it was dancing with the Creative Worship Team, working on harmonies, praying for myself or the church, reading through the passion week BRPs, meeting up with LCGs, worshiping with different groups of peole, driving around Karawaci, or just spending time with my Lord, it was great. 

It was also a time when God gave me an honest look at myself. I was called out when Pastor Andrew spoke about Peter's encounter with Jesus - how Peter was exposed by God and affirmed in his weaknesses. The need to be honest with myself has also been coming out in various passages in the bible as well as different conversations; I don't like to be honest with myself because I don't like what I see. One of my prayer requests throughout this weekend was that God would gently and graciously allow me to see my sin; I think that this process of seeing has only begun. I'm thankful that my God knows and sees and gives me just enough for each day. 

This past week was also a good wake up call to share the gospel. In LIFE group we were challenged to share the gospel with at least one pre-Christian before the end of our time together (start of May). It was a good reminder that I am not actively seeking out God's lost people; instead I am getting lost in ministry and using my busyness as an excuse to make myself feel better.

Lastly I was reminded of the joy of salvation. In hearing the testimonies of 3 sisters who were baptized, I was humbled in hearing their passion to live for God, thankfulness for the blood of Christ, and hunger to know Him more. When I first came to Indonesia someone told me that I was teachable and that this is a quality that I should guard to never lose... well I think I've lost some of it. After almost 2 years of ministry somewhere I thought that I now know everything (HA! Definitely not...). At the heart of everything that I do, I hope that I can remember the joy of my salvation and that this will be my motivation.

A few weeks ago I wrote a song based off of a passage that we were studying as a church. Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions. :)

John 11 - Raw

I believe I believe
You are my God who has come into this world
I believe I believe
You awaken hearts and call your people home
Let me see Your glory

You are the Life
I believe You see more than what I see
Because You know the end of the story
You will redeem
Every tear every fear that I hold
And I will rise again

 I believe I believe
You overcome death and any sickness found in man
I believe I believe
Your love will heal, restore me once again
Let me see Your glory

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Over the past few weeks I've been talking with different people about overcoming struggles. Not the day to day little stuff that comes up but the deep-rooted-seems-to-keep-bugging-me-at-all-the-wrong-times struggles.

How do we face these? Maybe a better question is how do we face these after feeling like we've gotten beat up over and over again?

Throughout this lent season I've been praying for security and surrender to God's sovereignty. One area this prayer has taken the lead is in the area of calling - what is God calling me to do? 

It wasn't until Missions Week (2 weeks ago) in my church when I was introduced to the song "Send Me Out" by Steve Fee. After getting more comfortable with the song, singing felt like the words were coming straight from my heart and then it hit me - could this be my calling? 

(chorus)

I wanna be Your hands & feet

I wanna be Your voice every time I speak

I wanna run to the ones in need, in the name of Jesus

I wanna give my life away, all for Your kingdom’s sake

Shine a light in the darkest place, in the name of Jesus

In the name of Jesus

I'm thankful because when I am focused on the things that are in line with God's will, those deep-rooted-seems-to-keep-bugging-me-at-all-the-wrong-times struggles definitely don't go away, but they can't compare to the possibilities of what God can do. 

You are enthroned above the heavens 
The earth and all creation bow before You 
You are crowned with strength and glory 
The angels crying Holy all surround You 

Forever You will stand 
Your kingdom has no end 

O Holy God I stay amazed 
You are so much more than words could ever say 
O Holy God I pour out my praise 
On the One who never ceases to amaze 

You are loving beyond measure 
Your presence is the treasure I am seeking 
You are an all-consuming fire 
I am Your desire and You are mine 

I'm pouring out my praise on You 
I'm pouring out my love on You 

I'm not sure why but I woke up with this song stuck in my head. Thankful for the way that God puts worship into the hearts of His people.